Entry 32: Death Note

Life sometimes just kicks you in the balls, and for some reason you don't feel the pain immediately. It's like the kind of pain where you jump from a tall height, and land too hard on both your feet, and the pain is slowly creeping up your calves, your thighs, your groin, and then your balls feel like they are cramping.

That's how life is like right now.

My grandmother's wake was last night at 2200hrs GMT -4. She passed away on the 27th, a sound age of 90. I was about to fly back in August to see her, but it's too late. I shall not go into a discourse on how one should always treasure their loved ones because you never know when you might lose them. What is the use of preaching when I am guilty of not practising?

I'm feeling a barrage of sadness and guilt and relief now; sadness, because she has left this world. I remember how she used to, despite her rheumatism, go all the way to buy buns back for us. I remember how I used to practise my card tricks on her, even though she didn't understand what I was doing or what I was asking her to do. I remember how she would sometimes stay up and wait for us to go home, even though I reached home at 3am almost everyday.

Guilt, because I didn't spend much time with her. She spoke a different dialect, similar to Cantonese, but not quite. I'd just cook lunch and eat with her, then go upstairs to my computer where we all seek a false sense of solace. I never really spent the time watching TV or just sitting in the living room with her. And now, I never get to see her for the last time.

Relief, because she was diagnosed with cancer in the late stages. She was already looking pale and sickly when I left, and probably the cancer would have caused her much suffering. And now she can leave the world in peace, finally joining my grandfather after more than a decade of separation.

She was a good woman, a strong woman, a wonderful woman. And I firmly believe that she will rest in peace, knowing that she lived a life without regrets.


RIP Grandma.